Unclean & Unseen! – GALAXY OF TERROR (1981)

As far as “Alien” rips go, I defy you to find one more entertaining than this!

Roger Corman was a genius and there’s no refuting that. However, it was rare one of his films ever got within spitting distance of being taken seriously by the moviegoing intelligentsia. 

Therefore, when the first trailers for GALAXY OF TERROR debuted (under its early name, MINDWARP: AN INFINITY OF TERROR) it was very, very easy to dismiss it as another ALIEN clone on a SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS budget. But if you caught the beginning credits of this on late night cable these days, I bet you’d be positively flabbergasted when you recognized most of the cast. The dude from THE HOUSE WHERE EVIL DWELLS? Joanie from “Happy Days”? The guy who created “Red Shoe Diaries”? Captain Spaulding? Susan’s mother on “Seinfeld”? Mr. Hand? Freddy Fucking Krueger? Are you serious?! 

To make a long story short, we get a Nostromo-type space crew checking out a LV426-kinda planet that may or may not be inhabited by some Xenomorph-like creatures. Okay, I admit it doesn’t sound promising, but stick with me. After some requisite poking around (dead people, blah blah, exposition, yada yada, character development, zzzzzzz, more dead people), we find the only way out of this place is by confronting your greatest fears. The whole planet seems to be a high-stakes game orchestrated by one known only as Xerxes, Omnipotent Ruler of Planets and Space Shit (registered trademark). This is when kiwi director Bruce D. Clark and his whipper-snapper effects team, which included a then-unknown young twit by the name of James Cameron, can begin to wow you with their penny-pinching brilliance. These guys probably made the whole set out of Sprite cans, McDonald’s styrofoam, and spray paint, but goddamn if it doesn’t look good. Everyone’s dedication shuttles you along as the ill-fated crew crawl deeper into the maze-like corridors of this shadowy planet where only the most terrible things await. 

But once you start to wonder if you’re going to get a truly cerebral piece of cheap horror cinema, suddenly one of the team gets raped by a giant maggot and things go back to being bugfuck again (no pun intended). I want you to read that last sentence again and let me know if that’s the kind of thing you usually see at the movies. This is a film of extremes, folks. For every grave, dagger-filled glance Sid Haig can throw at his fellow team members, there’s a glorious moment of levity, the best of which is Robert Englund serving up one of the best girly screams in film history. 

Come on, man! Do I have to try to sell this to you any longer? Click your ass over to Tubi and don’t live another day without GALAXY OF TERROR. If you’re really nuts, you can take it to the max with the limited-edition, 4k-transfer steelbook release! Just think of it–Joanie Cunningham’s head exploding in HD. Do it!!

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